Prayer for Reflection
O Holy One, we know you soar with us along with our accomplishments and weep with us in our darkness. Help us to look to you for strength and not to victory as proof of faith.
We can say easily at our house that 2022 was not the year we were expecting. There were exciting highs: first international travel for my husband and I to Ireland and Scotland, improvement on goals for our daughter we weren’t sure we could dream of and new insights about ourselves and our families.
And who knew it would be thanks to my cancer returning. (See not so exciting lows) Unfortunately January was just the beginning of my journey back into the medical system where friends seen on occasion became friends seen more often.
If you listen its interesting to how people talk about their faith. Some don’t think about their faith, its just there. Others pack it away until something happens, and they need it. And even more people aren’t sure about their faith at all or have to decide what they believe in a split moment when a crisis hits.
I’m lucky that I haven’t really had to think about my faith most of my life. Even with this recurrence and spread it’s something I think I lean into unconsciously. Does it still make decisions to be made hard? Yes. Do I always remember to muster up my faith first, no.
I’ve tried multiple treatments this year, some that had small success then stopped and others that had no success at all by my doctor’s measurement. Do I still have faith in him and his decision making, yes, I do. Am I open to new treatments and opportunities? Yes, I am. It’s not that I don’t have faith in him anymore I just think more heads are better than one and if there’s an opportunity out there that could help me but even more importantly help someone in the future, let’s do it.
It's my prayer that we can eradicate Cancers of all kinds in this world soon through research and development and if it can’t come soon enough for me then I can be helpful in developing something that does come soon enough for someone else.
The Great Physician is one of the names used for God and I do believe that he truly can heal all. I’ve heard and witnessed miraculous stories of people so very sick they shouldn’t be alive today, let alone achieving the heights they are. But that isn’t everyone’s experience. I struggle with the phrasing “lost or won the battle”. It’s not that the people lay down the tools and just stop getting treatment are weaklings or losers. Their body is just telling them its time to stop. It’s time to go home. It’s time to refocus what the goals are.
All this to say am I am not ready to stop fighting. I still have options open to me, and I plan to take as many as my body will take on until it or the Great Physician whisper that it’s time to rest. I want to celebrate with those who are winning the battle without worrying about recurrence on their behalf. I don’t want to be jealous of those who have waged war and come out as victorious warriors. I was one of those once. It only took a pandemic and a headache to wipe out my victory.
If I place my victory in my body and its response to the drugs, I’m going to lose every time. But if I place my victory in my faith it stops going to be a win lose proposition. I can use the experience to strengthen my faith through the highs and the lows and come out stronger on the other side, physically, in my faith or in a dozen other unimagined ways.
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